Out of the blue, I thought about my life, specifically the last 20 years. I’m amazed and proud of myself at the things I’ve accomplished and overcome. I don’t publicly pat myself on the back very often, because my journey is my own, whether or not anyone agrees or relates or even remotely understands. But I feel the need to share some things, if that’s alright with you.
Chronic, major depression and Borderline Personality Disorder were two major things I dealt with most of my life. It was debilitating at times; so much so that I thought it would never end. Hysterectomy in 1994 due to Endometrial cancer. A chronic wound infection over a period of 11 years, which led to osteomyelitis (bone infection) and Septicemia twice ( a serious, life-threatening infection that gets worse very quickly), ultimately leading to the amputation of my left leg at the knee. A severe bout with pneumonia that took over a year to fully recover from. Several hospitalizations for acute kidney infections which contributed to worsening kidney disease. Generally degenerative joint, muscle and nerve issues that go hand in hand with using crutches to walk and pushing around a wheelchair. All the while working (until I got too sick with the wound problem) to support my children on my own. I won’t even go into all the medical and life issues I had during the first 30 years lol.
Yet here I am, feeling pretty healthy most of the time, smiling, laughing, living life. And I’m happy. Content. Still curious to learn about anything and everything.
No one waved a magic wand. I had to find it in myself. Or rather I had to realize that I had it in myself all along to get healthier, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Yes, I still have days when I’m in pain (that actually never really goes away, just changes in intensity from day to day) or feel ill or even sad sometimes. But now I know there are good days ahead as well and I eagerly look forward to them.
Things change. Sometimes in the blink of an eye, sometimes so slowly that it becomes apparent only after many years. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. No one does. Today… today I appreciate everything I have. As I did yesterday and the day before and so on. If I wake up in the morning, I will continue to appreciate it. Situations can happen that are out of my control. But I can choose how to deal.
I read somewhere that the meaning of Life is living. I agree. Each of us is a living, breathing, ongoing novel, in which we are the authors, starting with a fresh, blank page every day. I hope to end mine with laughter.
“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.”
― Warsan Shire